#39

December 16, 2010 § 1 Comment

I am grateful
For the tears that I cry without reason
For the justification that I have never needed
To be weak
For the pain of the words that don’t break
Bones but break my heart
Repeatedly
I am grateful
that I am not resilient
nor a hero
nor the one who is persistent
I am grateful

I am grateful
that in 22 years I cannot produce art that will change the world,
That my pen reverberates
In the tiny circles of my porcelain world
Grateful that my words can’t resonate
For time eternal in the halls of cathedrals
I am grateful

I am grateful because I have studied
Men and women of strength, have studied
the universal language of incredibility,
the motivation of genius and of
Resilience and of everything
I always wished to have and I have learned
where it comes from and I am grateful
to be weak

I am grateful
that you won’t believe me,
You won’t believe me because you want the words of a warrior
Words
Backed by the strength of a champion who is
Born from the breath of the blood,
Brought back from the bed of death that I
have never slept in, that was raised
From the depths of pain I haven’t stepped in and I watch
The power in the words of men who inspire
And women who empower and I am jealous
for the world they are changing and the mark
That they’re creating but we only see
This final scene
We don’t see all the years that they spent on their knees
Abandoning prayer for the pain they couldn’t bear
and running from the God that you still don’t
Believe in and they didn’t
either –
Then.
and I am grateful

There is a list in a leather notebook
Surprisingly aged for 22 years
A list of the men and women who are everything admirable
Who are brave, courageous, and faithful
Determined, resilient, inspirational
A faded list of everything I no longer want to be
Because qualities and names forsake brokenness and pain
And they weren’t born that way.
But the empty lines in the book remind me
Of the unwritten story that still defines me and
In weakness, I cry for what may fill those pages but I
am grateful.

I am grateful for everything I have not yet become
But refuse to fear the chance to change
And I will gladly fight the fire of suffering
So that one day one may write my name.

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§ One Response to #39

  • “For the justification that I have never needed
    To be weak” & “I am grateful for everything I have not yet become
    But refuse to fear the chance to change” i love these two lines. this is beautiful!

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